Friday, December 17, 2004

True Story

I was up early yesterday - about 3am to be exact - so by late afternoon I thought it might be cool to go get a little nap. I was in bed about fifteen minutes when I heard on my boyfriend's scanner that there was a 14-year-old juvenile detained for shoplifting at the local market (there's only one market here).

Naturally the only family member not at home was my 14-year-old son. I didn't think it would be Aaron because my son has a habit of being honest (albeit a bit too blunt sometimes) but I never think about him doing criminal things because he's just not that way. However I remembered how I was as a teenager and realized even good kids (was I one?) could get in trouble... and of course if it was my son I wanted to be there for him.

So I got up and drove down to the market and did some shopping while wondering when the deputy would leave with the suspect so I could see who it was. Fortunately it wasn't my son and the boy involved was released to his parent. However during the time I was at the store my neighbors were shopping there too.

Now... the backstory on these neighbors is that they moved here last summer and right away were friendly but complaining about everything including our landlady who I dearly love. It didn't take too long before I was given a notice by my landlady containing a list of things I should correct concerning my yard. My new neighbor was of course complaining about us at the same time she was complaining about everything else.

After that I avoided our neighbors one-hundred-percent, completely. I stay busy and don't have time for head trips like that. I figured I wouldn't want to tell her anything about my life because she'd eventually turn against me. Unfortunately my boyfriend has a short memory and soon was going over there constantly for friendship and good times, whatever. I don't tell the man what to do even though sometimes I see trouble coming and work to avoid it myself.

Well, according to him the neighbors argue a lot and when they start their bickering and insulting of each other he leaves. The woman is mentally ill and doesn't want to take all her bipolar meds because she doesn't want to get overweight. She also told another friend of ours that I was packing a meth lab into my car one day (it was really just some boxes of old books I wanted to give away). I don't use drugs other than prescribed by my nurse practitioner so I didn't see any humor in this.

So anyhow - tonight I saw them in the store and for the first time in almost six months I said hi to her. But guess what. When I got home I was met by my boyfriend at the door. He said when they got home he went over there to visit and she threw him out because according to her I was down at the store with the deputy and Kevin (another neighbor) and apparently she thought we were all out to get her somehow. I never even talked to the deputy while I was there! She also said I was taking pictures. Again, that's wrong... I didn't even have my camera with me. But because I saw them at the store my boyfriend is now expelled from her house as a suspicious character. Strange, earlier in the day they were good friends laughing and having a good time together.

My boyfriend also tells me there's a rumor going around that the brother of our former neighbor is now in jail because I was down at the river taking photos of him while he was doing some illegal poaching. I'd like to see the proof of that. The truth is I liked the guy, I don't run around taking people's pictures so I can snitch on them, and I had no knowledge of him doing anything illegal before he was arrested.

I knew before that my neighbor was bipolar. Now I think she's schizophrenic too. I wish she'd get her meds straightened out and take them regularly. If she did she'd be such a nice person to be around.


I got my writing goal for the day done early (I wrote a short story) so I had the rest of the day free and spent it writing goals for the rest of this month and all of next year. I'm amazed how much there is to do but if I stick to my lists of goals I should be able to organize my time better and get a lot done.

At first it looked like a lot but I divided it into twelve months, keeping in mind what's really possible for me... and now the goal list doesn't look so ominous.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


I can't believe how depressed I've been feeling for the last couple of hours. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why, going over all the many things that upset and depress me.

Top of the list tonight - we got about six inches of snow last night and we're all waiting to see if the power will go out this time. Last year and the year before we had power outages that lasted three days. This is because we live in a national forest so a power outage is usually caused by a tree or branch falling in the forest. Work crews have to go into the mountains on snowmobiles. It takes many hours to fix. Three days isn't unusual. I guess this depresses me more than usual because I was hoping to find a way to move out of here before it happened again. I'm so tired of it. So there you have my feelings about snow storms. I see snow and think of deprivation, stressed-out kids, and boredom.

Next thing - when I called my son on Thanksgiving his cell phone number was disconnected. Last time I talked to him he had just moved to the Salvation Army. Yes, I know he's 31 but I still worry about him and miss him.

So thinking about Joshua made me think about my other adult children. My daughters. They have both deserted me. One has totally deserted me and won't talk to me. I guess she thinks she's better than I am, too good for me, or something. And the other one says she loves me and cares for me but she moved to the East Coast and I haven't seen her in many years.

So all that makes me think about how I don't have the money to go see my adult children. Recently I told a group of writers (online) about wanting to have money to see my kids, and that is one reason why I work so hard to try to write novels I can sell - so maybe someday I'll have the hope of a normal income that allows for things like cross-country trips. Really, I don't mind my income level being low so far as daily life and general happiness go... but I do miss being able to see my children. But then I think, why should I get on a plane and fly across the country. God knows I'm afraid of flying and don't want to go. If I have to die I want it to be with my feet on the ground, or close to it. So then I think that since she's the one that moved she's the one that should take the cross country trip, not me. But obviously that's not important enough to her. So I feel abandoned by all my adult children now even by the two that say they love me. Isn't depression great.

And that feeling of abandonment made me remember my first husband. My son's father. I have never gotten over the way he deserted me emotionally to the point where I felt I had to move away so I wouldn't have the daily agony of living with someone who hated me. Then he turned around and wanted to give me things. He felt sorry for me. Etc. But too late. He had someone else by then anyway. My son had to grow up without two parents. It still upsets me even though I'm talking about stuff that happened thirty years ago. And I don't have any loving feelings left for the man. How about that. I no longer respect him but I still am hurt by what happened.

So there's a few of the things that went through my mind tonight while I was depressed, and now I suddenly feel less depressed. Its good to be able to write about my feelings.

The bottom line to all these depressing things - is that I am the one at fault. I was a bad wife and was therefore unloved; I was and am a bad mother therefore I deserve to be deserted. My own flaws are simply too painful for me to think about, so I tell myself it all really doesn't matter. I now live with three people who love me. One good man (that's all you really need) and two teenagers who hopefully won't desert me the way my other kids have. But I know everything is my fault. What else could have caused all those problems in my life?

I will now go back to my fantasy world of novel creation where I get to make up characters who are sometimes people I wish I could have been, doing things I wish I could have done (well, some of the things). This avocation is perfect for me. I don't want to live in reality. It hurts too much.