Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Depressed

I can't believe how depressed I've been feeling for the last couple of hours. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why, going over all the many things that upset and depress me.

Top of the list tonight - we got about six inches of snow last night and we're all waiting to see if the power will go out this time. Last year and the year before we had power outages that lasted three days. This is because we live in a national forest so a power outage is usually caused by a tree or branch falling in the forest. Work crews have to go into the mountains on snowmobiles. It takes many hours to fix. Three days isn't unusual. I guess this depresses me more than usual because I was hoping to find a way to move out of here before it happened again. I'm so tired of it. So there you have my feelings about snow storms. I see snow and think of deprivation, stressed-out kids, and boredom.

Next thing - when I called my son on Thanksgiving his cell phone number was disconnected. Last time I talked to him he had just moved to the Salvation Army. Yes, I know he's 31 but I still worry about him and miss him.

So thinking about Joshua made me think about my other adult children. My daughters. They have both deserted me. One has totally deserted me and won't talk to me. I guess she thinks she's better than I am, too good for me, or something. And the other one says she loves me and cares for me but she moved to the East Coast and I haven't seen her in many years.

So all that makes me think about how I don't have the money to go see my adult children. Recently I told a group of writers (online) about wanting to have money to see my kids, and that is one reason why I work so hard to try to write novels I can sell - so maybe someday I'll have the hope of a normal income that allows for things like cross-country trips. Really, I don't mind my income level being low so far as daily life and general happiness go... but I do miss being able to see my children. But then I think, why should I get on a plane and fly across the country. God knows I'm afraid of flying and don't want to go. If I have to die I want it to be with my feet on the ground, or close to it. So then I think that since she's the one that moved she's the one that should take the cross country trip, not me. But obviously that's not important enough to her. So I feel abandoned by all my adult children now even by the two that say they love me. Isn't depression great.

And that feeling of abandonment made me remember my first husband. My son's father. I have never got over the way he deserted me emotionally to the point where I felt I had to move away so I wouldn't have the daily agony of living with someone who hated me. Then he turned around and wanted to give me things. He felt sorry for me. Etc. But too late. He had someone else by then anyway. My son had to grow up without two parents. It still upsets me even though I'm talking about stuff that happened thirty years ago. And I don't have any loving feelings left for the man. How about that. I no longer respect him but I still am hurt by what happened.

So there's a few of the things that went through my mind tonight while I was depressed, and now I suddenly feel less depressed. Its good to be able to write about my feelings.

The bottom line to all these depressing things - is that I am the one at fault. I was a bad wife and was therefore unloved; I was and am a bad mother therefore I deserve to be deserted. My own flaws are simply too painful for me to think about, so I tell myself it all really doesn't matter. I now live with three people who love me. One good man (that's all you really need) and two teenagers who hopefully won't desert me the way my other kids have. But I know everything is my fault. What else could have caused all those problems in my life?

I will now go back to my fantasy world of novel creation where I get to make up characters who are sometimes people I wish I could have been, doing things I wish I could have done (well, some of the things). This avocation is perfect for me. I don't want to live in reality. It hurts too much.

1 comment:

  1. you sound a lot like my mother... i think she made some mistakes raising us, and i really hope i dont turn out like it sounds like your children did (never visiting you etc) but im fearful that is what is going to happen... anyway, im sorry your ex husband ran out on you like that. i hope things work out for you and your family.

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